10 Things No One Told Me About Midlife

By Jane – your sweary midlife sister with a dumbbell in one hand and a protein ball in the other.

Let me be blunt: midlife didn’t knock. She kicked the door in wearing comfy tracksuit pants, holding a glass of Cab Sav, and yelling, “Buckle up, babe!”

No one tells you this is the time where your body becomes a mood ring, your patience packs its bags, and your give-a-damn empathy gets stuck in peak hour traffic. But it’s also when you get to reintroduce yourself to yourself—minus the BS, the rules, and the soul-sucking expectations.

Here’s what I wish someone had told me when the peri-party started and my hormones became the headliners.

1. You’ll Rage-Clean at 2AM and Cry at Dog Ads by 9

This is not a drill. You’ll be emotionally stable until you see a Golden Retriever reunited with its owner, and then boom—you’re sobbing on the couch, wrapped in a towel, halfway through a protein bar.

The rage-cleaning? That’s just how your body now says, 'I’m overwhelmed'. Or 'I hate everyone'. Or 'I found one chin hair and now the house must be purged'.

Hot tip: ride the wave. Just maybe put the bleach down first.

2. Your Tolerance for Bullsh*t? Gone. And It’s Glorious.

Midlife brings with it the sudden, fierce urge to clear out not just your wardrobe—but your life. Toxic friends? See ya. Office politics? Not my circus. That group chat with the women who only talk about their kids’ A+ test scores? Mute.

You start craving honesty like it’s protein, and saying 'no' becomes less of a guilt trip and more of a damn mantra.

3. You’ll Start Lifting Heavy — Because Life Is Heavy, and So Are Groceries

Once upon a time, I thought lifting weights was for gym bros and CrossFit cults. Then I hit midlife and realised strength wasn’t a luxury — it was survival.

Lifting heavy made me feel grounded again. Capable. Like I could carry my groceries, my rage, and my dreams—all in one trip.

And no, you don’t need to be 'fit' first. You start where you are — sweat, sass, strangulating sports bra and all.

4. Diets Will Piss You Off More Than Ever

Suddenly, every ad, influencer, and wellness guru telling you to 'cut out carbs' sounds like a cult leader. You start seeing the cracks in the system. You realise you’ve spent decades trying to shrink yourself. And for what? Praise from people you don’t even like?

Midlife is when you finally say: 'No more lettuce leaves and guilt, thanks'.
You start fuelling your body for energy, strength, and real life — not for validation from the scale.

5. You’ll Forget Words, Names... and Occasionally, Why You’re in the Bathroom

Is it menopause brain? Midlife chaos? Or just the fact that you’re juggling a to-do list longer than your patience?

You might call your kid by the dog’s name, search for your glasses while wearing them, or open the fridge and forget your mission entirely. Welcome to the club. We’re all here, we’re all confused, and at least now we talk about it.

6. Hot Flashes Are Not a Vibe

You haven’t truly lived until you’ve been in a Zoom meeting, in a jumper, and felt the internal furnace fire up like Satan’s own microwave.

One second you’re fine, the next you’re pouring sweat like you just did a HIIT class — except all you did was think too hard.

Layers are your best friend. As are fans. And people who know not to comment on your glisten.

7. You’ll Look in the Mirror and See a Woman Who’s Survived Some Serious Sh!t

And you’ll start to respect her. Even love her.

Your body might not look the same, but she’s carried you through heartbreak, babies, job changes, wild nights, and endless bloody to-do lists. Every line is earned. Every curve is a rebellion. You start seeing strength instead of flaws.

And yes, some days you’ll still think, 'WTF is going on with my neck?' But you’ll also think, “'I wouldn’t go back for anything'. 

8. Friendships Will Shift — And That’s OK

Midlife is like Marie Kondo for your social life. If they don’t spark joy (or show up when you’re falling apart), they don’t make the cut. You get choosy, protective of your energy, and more honest about what you need.

You stop collecting friends like accessories, and start finding the ones who hold space, pass the wine, and make you laugh till you snort (or pee yourself).

9. You’ll Get Stronger — In Every Damn Way

Physically, yes. But also mentally, emotionally, spiritually. You start holding boundaries like a boss. You stop people-pleasing. You start taking up space — loudly, unapologetically, and in high-waisted leggings that actually support your core and mask the gluten overload from lunch.

You might cry more, but you’ll also roar more. Midlife makes you fierce in a way your 20s couldn’t touch.

10. You’ll Realise Midlife Isn’t the End — It’s the F*ck-It Beginning

This is the remix, baby. You’re older, wiser, and way less inclined to put up with crap. You’ve got experience, empathy, and just enough petty to make things interesting.

Midlife isn’t a cliff — it’s a launchpad. It’s where we burn the old rulebook and write a new one. With glitter pens, stickers and coffee. And rage-fuelled crunches.

Final Thoughts (AKA The Pep Talk You Didn’t Know You Needed)

If you’ve felt overwhelmed, unseen, or like you're losing your damn mind — welcome. You’re not alone. You’re not broken. You’re transforming.

This is your moment to get strong, get loud, and get back to you.

And I’m right here with you — sweating, lifting, laughing, swearing, and rewriting what it means to survive through midlife.

Let’s do this thing. Together. In stretchy pants and eyeliner that survived a hot flash.

Ready to Flip the Script on Midlife?

If you’re nodding along (or rage-laughing into your herbal tea), then you need my Midlife Reset Guide in your hands like, yesterday. It’s packed with real talk, practical tools, and zero BS to help you feel strong, fuel up, and kick midlife in the pants.

👉 Download the Midlife Reset Guide now – your hot-flash-proof pep talk starts here.